the puppet campout

Friday night a family of four head off on a camping trip which the father planned, hoping it would be a memorable event for everyone to remember in years to come. Dad had rented a canoe and had supplies hauled to their campsite by the Park Rangers.

Scene 1

Family is rowing down a river in a canoe for the family vacation,

Daughter complains about the dirty smelly water splashing in her face. “If I wanted to smell dirty water I could have stayed home and cleaned the bathroom.”

Son complains about having to row. “I didn’t know this was a working vacation.”

Mom, fanning herself  fighting off mosquitoes. “I sure hope we didn’t forget the bug spray!”

Dad rowing harder than son,” Come on guys, this will be fun, I promise.” Then he loses an oar.

Son, “Yeah, I’m having tons of fun rowing this thing by myself now.”

Daughter, looking over side of canoe “Yuck, I just saw a frog and I think it was wearing clothes.”

Son tries to scoop the frog out of water with his paddle onto his sister.

Daughter, “ MOM! Make him stop that!”

Dad, “It’s just a frog,”

Daughter (as Son continues to attempt to scoop frog into canoe) “A frog with CLOTHES!”            

Mom, to son, “Behave.” Then to daughter, “Frogs don’t wear clothes honey.”

Frog, “Excuse me! I’m not just a frog, I’m Kermit’s much prettier twin sister Kermita. And Miss Piggy picks out my outfits. And (turning to Son) would you please stop trying to swat me with that oar.”

Everyone gasps at discovery of frog’s ability to talk.

Mom, “Did anyone else hear that frog talk?”

Daughter, “Uh, if anyone else says no I didn’t either.”

Son stops trying to scoop frog up with his paddle and stares.

Dad, “It must be a novelty frog, someone is playing tricks on us. There is probably a microphone tied around its neck.”

Frog as it climbs into the boat with the lost oar, “Ding, you lose.  And by the way, I’m not an IT, I’m a lady. (preening her hair femininely)  Not only can I talk, I can sing.”

Kermita then proceeds to prove she can sing by singing Rainbow connection. When she is finished the family applauds.

Scene 2

Dad steers the canoe shoreward, hops out and pulls it on to land near a preset up tent. The family disembarks and looks around the shore line mystified. All that they see are two tents where they were expecting a nice enclosed cabin, complete with a kitchenette, bedrooms and electricity

Daughter, with marked hesitation in her voice, “Why are we stopping here?”

Son, “Yeah, I don’t see a cabin.”

Mom, “We’re just stopping to rest….(turning towards husband) Right, honey?”

Dad, obviously pleased with himself, “Nope, this is it.” Opening his arms wide to encompass the scenery “I wanted to surprise you but this is where we’ll be staying. The park ran out of cabins so we get to rough it like the pioneers in a tent. Isn’t this fantastic!”

Stunned silence for several seconds as mom, daughter and son stare at dad open mouthed, and then all start talking at once

Mom, “We don’t have any beds? What about my arthritis??”
Daughter, “No beds! We’ll be on the ground with the bugs and snakes! And reptiles!

Kermita,  to daughter in response to reptile remark “Watch it! After all we EAT the bugs for you, unless you want we should share them?”

Daughter holds her hand up in disgust, “No thanks, I’m good.”

Son, holding cell phone in the air and rotating himself  “We have a bigger problem here, no electrical outlets and no cell phone reception! We can’t even call for help to get us out of here!”

Mom to dad, “I thought you were going to watch the big game this weekend?”

Dad stops smiling and looking so pleased with himself. “Oh, no, I hadn’t thought of that….”

Daughter and Son, “Well at least we’re not the only ones disappointed now! How was it you were going to get to watch a game but our cell phones were going to be disabled so we couldn’t text our friends or play our games ? We thought this was going to be a family adventure?

Dad, “Watching the game is a family tradition….Oh well, I’ll live through it.” Taking out his cell phone  “I‘ll call Matt and have him record it for us.”

Everyone throws their hands in the air when dad realizes his cell phone doesn’t work and smacks himself on the forehead with his palm

.”We just said there is no reception!!”

Kermita, as she dives back into the river, “Mammals!”

 

As the family stands on the shore bickering about the tents and absence of amenities and twenty first century comforts a Park Ranger approaches them from a parked  pickup truck with the parks name painted on the side.

Ranger, “Hello folks, my name is Mike, are you the Millers.”

Dad, extending his hand “Yes sir.”

Ranger, “I see you made it here safely. We have your tents already, one for the boys and girls, and your supplies are inside. Here’s a walkie-talkie that connects you to the Park office if you need any help. It is fully charged. We don’t get phone reception out here, (at this already obvious announcement the kids and wife sigh with exasperation).  Here’s a list of precautions to take while you’re visiting with us, the most important is to make sure all campfires are out and that you conceal your food from the local wild life, usually high in a tree and pick up after yourselves.”

Son, sounding hopeful, “Can we order pizza on that thing?”

Ranger, “ ‘faid not son, this just connects you to the park office.”

Ranger rubbing his jaw and frowning, “That should be it though I feel certain there’s something I’m forgetting. Oh well, it couldn’t be important but if it comes to me I’ll contact you on the walkie-talkie.”

Daughter and Mom, “Wait! Local wild life???”

Ranger, “Don’t worry, just a few coyotes and foxes, they won’t bother you if you don’t bother them. Have good time.”

The ranger walks away muttering to himself about forgetting something.

Scene 3

Dad, clapping hands together, “Okay, let’s get this show on the road. First thing is we need to dig out our cooking gear and  gather some firewood.”

Son, mutters under his breath, “Getting on the road sounds like a great idea!” Dad ignores this

Everyone looks at the darkening sky and the thick woods. Somewhere in the distance a coyote howls.

Mom, Son and Daughter all object strenuously to embarking into the darkness for firewood so Dad ventures forth on his own into the wilderness and comes back shortly with an armful of twigs to find a fire already blazing and everyone sitting on the portable picnic table eating hot dogs, chips and cokes.

Mom, handing dad a plate of food “Sorry dear, there was enough brush around here to get a good fire going.”

Daughter, “What happened to your arm and face?”

Dad, trying to hide his arm, “Nothing serious, I just stumbled a few times and bumped into a tree or two in the dark.”

Daughter, “what happened to your flashlight?

Dad, “I dropped it when I bumped into a tree and it rolled down a steep hill”

Mom, trying to not laugh, “Well what do we do now? It’s too early for bed.”

Son, “I say we practice first aid on Dad.”

Dad, ignoring Son “This is the great part; we lie back and stare at the stars while seeing if we recognize any constellations. Here I brought a chart.”

Daughter, “I’m not lying on the ground with who knows what!”

Mom, “Come on, be a good sport. I’ll get a sleeping bag to spread out. We may never see the stars this good again at home.

Mom comes out of the girl’s tent with a sleeping bag and two cans of bug spray that she sprays everyone and the ground with causing everyone’s eyes to water and all to start coughing.

Dad, coughing and wiping his watery eyes, “Maybe it’s not too early to go to bed. We need to get some rest to go exploring in the morning.”

Mom and Dad kiss goodnight and step into the tents they share with son and daughter. Then a few seconds later Dad comes back out to extinguish the campfire and look up at the beautiful star studded sky by himself.

Scene 4

Dad gets up early the next morning and quietly wakes son up.

Dad, "Hey, let’s get up, we’re going to go fishing for breakfast."

Son, “Now? The fish aren't even up yet; it would be a shame to wake them up this early to be our breakfast."

Dad, shaking Son's shoulders, “Get dressed."

Son, "Give the fish time to get their coffee and say their morning prayers before they die." Son turns his back to Dad and snuggles down in his sleeping bag.

Dad, sighing and shaking Son harder. "Come on, this will be a nice surprise for the girls and some great alone time for us men."

Son gets up reluctantly and they head for the canoe, fishing poles in hand.

The sun rises to the two men sitting in the canoe with their rods in the river. Dad is whistling and commenting on what fun it is to catch their own breakfast like their forefathers did. Son’s head is nodding off and on as he dozes.

Son, jerking to attention as his rod tightens. “Hey. I think I got something!” He then stands up and falls over side of canoe into the water.

Kermita, swimming up to the canoe, “Don’t you know it’s not smart to stand in a canoe?”

Son, splashing in the water, “Help me, I can’t swim”

Kermita, “Just kick your legs!”

Son, as he grabs hold of the canoe. “I’m a puppet, I don’t have legs!”

Dad leans over to help pull Son up but Son pulls him overboard instead and they both splash around helplessly. Kermita shakes her head.

Kermita, “Sit up for God’s sake, the water doesn’t even come up to my knees.”

Dad, back in the canoe, “I guess we might as well go back, I don’t think our splashing encouraged any fishes to come up to us.”

Kermita, ducking under water and back up “Yes it did, they’re all under the water here laughing their heads off.”

Son and Dad notice the ripples in the water made by the school of laughing fish

Son, to dad, “This was a great alone time for us Dad, it would have been better without the frog.”

Back at the camp they find Mom and Daughter frying breakfast with a group of young girls sitting around the campfire.

Mom, “Oh, Hi dear, we thought you were still in bed. Look at the surprise we have for you. These nice little girl scouts brought us some extra fish they caught this morning. Let me fix you a plate with some coffee.”

Daughter, “Why are you guys wet?”

Dad, “We went fishing and this huge fish pulled us into the water. It gave us a terrible struggle before it got away, It must have been a twenty pounder,” dad spreads his hands wider than his shoulders to demonstrate the fish’s size. Then he turns to Son, “Let’s go get into something dry.”

Kermita, hopping up beside Mom whispers, “The big fish looked an awful lot like an old rain boot.”

Daughter, laughing, “Dad and Son caught a rain boot!”

Mom, “Now dear, let’s not tell them we know.”

Dad and Son come back to the campfire and get their plates of food while the girl scouts start singing Black Socks.

 

Scene 5

After breakfast the family goes hiking through the park.

Dad “Isn’t this fun, all of us together enjoying the wide open spaces, just like our forefathers.”

Son, “What four fathers, I thought I only had one? Who are the other ones, I might like them better”

Mom, “Very funny.”

Daugther, “Well it’s more fun than my homework assignment. I have to write a paper about Amelia Earhart. Really, How boring can that be?”

Dad, “Shhh, I thought I heard something.”  leaning down towards a bush he sees a furry nose and stumbles backward. “Run! It’s some wild animal!”  As he turns and runs a rabbit jumps out into view, followed by four more.

Son, laughing “Run faster dad, it’s a stampede!”

Dad trips over a branch, rolls down a small incline and hits his head on a log. The next thing he knows is someone is shaking his shoulders.

Dad, opening his eyes slowly, “Who are you?”

Stranger, “I’m Amelia Earhart.”

Dad, “Huh, she’s been missing for sixty years.”

Amelia, “well, actually 78 years. But I haven’t been missing; I knew exactly where I was.”

Dad, “Huh, Where were you?”

Amelia, “You are kind of fond of the word, huh, aren’t ya? To answer your question my copilot and I were intercepted by the Tardis of Dr. Who and have been traveling with him around the galaxy through space and time.”

Dad, “Dr. Who?”

Amelia, “Right. We were passing overhead when I heard my name so I came to help your daughter write her paper.”

Dad, looks at the audience for a few silent seconds and uses the universal symbol for crazy, then turns back to Amelia. “Let me get this straight, You were flying around the world, got picked up by some doctor, have been doing time travel in space for 80 years and you’re here now to help a 6^th grader write a school paper.”

Amelia, “Yeah, that sums it up. A girl has got to help a sis’ta. Now listen close…..”Amelia leans into Dad and whispers in his ear.. ……..

Dad, sits up and faces Mom who has been shaking him, “What happened, where’s Amelia?”

Mom, “Who, honey you hit your head, stay still.”

Dad, reaches for his head and finds his arm splinted, “What is going on?”

Mom, “The girl scouts heard us yelling and came and splinted your arms and bandaged your head, they left to go get the walkie-talkie to call for help.”

Dad, pulling splints off his arm and bandages off his head, “It’s just a flesh wound. Daughter and I have to get back to the tent. We’ve got a paper to write.”

Daughter, “Huh?”

Dad, “We really need to improve your vocabulary.”

 

Scene 6

Sunday afternoon and its time to go back home. Mom, son and daughter are at the river saying bye to Kermita while dad is in rented tent getting their camping gear out to the road for the Ranger pickup service.

Mom, “It sure was nice meeting you Miss Kermita.”

Kermita, “Just Kermita please.”

Daughter, “The only thing is no one at school will believe us.”

Son, to his sister while tugging at her hair “No one believes you anyway.” Sister knocks his hand away.

Daughter, looking up river, “Guys, be careful, here comes a bear.”

Kermita, “Don’t worry, that’s Fuzzy the bear, he’s a retired circus bear. He’s my bestest friend.”

Daughter, as bear wades into water and scoops up a trout “Oh, how cute, look at it fish.”

Kermita, “Come here Fuzzy and meet these nice beginner campers.”

Fuzzy comes closer and everyone pets his neck then he does a little dance while Kermita sings a song.

Kermita tosses bear another fish and he gets on hind legs raises his head to swallow the treat just as Dad comes out of tent. Dad sees a huge bear on its hind legs and ducks back inside.

Son, shaking his head and looking disappointed, “What a coward.”

Mom, “Now dear,”

Dad runs back out of tent with a cast iron skillet and bug spray shouting at the bear who drops to his feet and stares before he yawns and casually hobbles away.

Dad, huffing and puffing, “Are you guys okay?”

Son, “Yes dad, but that bear--”

Mom interrupting Son by placing her hand over his mouth and hugging dad, “Had us scared to death, thank heavens you scared him away!”  then she whispers to Son, “If you ever tell him the truth you’ll be grounded till Jesus comes back! He didn’t know the bear was tame so that makes him very brave in my eyes.”

A few minutes later the park ranger is helping load the pick up to take them back to the park office to check out.

Ranger, “Did you folks have a good time?”

Daughter, “We sure did, Dad helped me write an awesome school paper.”

Dad, “Yea, and we had an encounter with a bear this morning, we didn’t know bears were here! Don’t you think you should have warned us?”

Ranger, smacking his forehead “Oh yeah, that’s what I forgot to mention earlier, That must have been…”

Mom, daughter and Son, interrupted in unison, “Very scary, but dad was very brave and chased him away!”

Ranger, “But….”

Everyone in unison again, “And we’re very proud of him!”

Ranger, looks at everyone and gets with the program, “Yes sir, that was very brave.”

Everyone gets into the truck to head home with dad beaming and smiling from ear to ear satisfied that the campout went as well as it could.

Son, "This trip wasn't so bad after all, I wouldn't mind doing it again someday." Something goes ping in Son's knapsack, "Yahoo, We have cell phone reception again!"

foot note, A few  days later after school daughter brings home her graded paper. She got an A for the first half for accuracy of details and an A+ on the second half of her story for superb  imagination.