Regrets

Regrets 

 

Everyone has finally left. The six men that escorted me here, my family, all their friends and mine. They had stayed long enough to say good bye and now it was over. They brought me here against my will and dumped me. I had set events in motion, fired the starting bullet, so to speak. I didn't really want to come here but it was necessary considering the circumstances. I lost control of my sanityand needed to be placed somewhere. This is it. 

In retrospect I grasped the concept I was absolutely wrong. I thought I would be able to solve my problems but I just complicated them. I hurt my family and friends, and now I was alone, alone with all these strangers. Rows and rows of beds with people I don't know, but would have plenty of time to get to know. 

A man was sitting up a few rows down, watching me with pity in his eyes. Some bodies were sleeping peacefully between us intensifying the enormous emptiness in my soul. 

"It's really eerie here." I commented. 

"It gets spookier." he replied. "It's not so bad now, wait till it gets darker." 

A girl spoke close by, startling me. "Why are you here?"  

"I don't feel like talking about it." I answered, rubbing my head. 

"Okay, Okay. You'll get lonely with that attitude," Girl said, holding up her hands. There were slice marks on her wrist. I guessed why she was here. 

I rolled over in bed and sobbed. I was stone cold, scared and had a headache that wouldn't quit. What had I done? How long would I be here? Loud wrenching noises escaped my throat but my tears were all dried up. I kept to myself for a few days and nights, reliving my hurts and sorrows and regrets. Wishing I hadn't acted rashly. Wanting desperately to go home. 

Every night, after visiting hours, those with the same "problem solving" methods as me would get up, visit, wander, wail, scream blasphemies or beg God to help. Those that enjoyed a deep uninterrupted sleep were just here waiting to go home. Their pain had ceased long ago and our miseries didn't faze them. They were able to doze, dead to the world. Personal agonies prevented solid slumber for the rest of us.  

Days later I heard familiar voices calling out to each other. Two women I knew from work were walking down the aisles, apparently looking for me. "Oh, man. I don't feel like company!" 

"Don't worry. Just sit there and keep your mouth shut. They won't stay long. They never do." Man informed me. 

"Here she is, Ellen," said Mary. Ellen strolled over to the foot of my bed and both women just stared at me. "We brought you some flowers." Ellen stated the obvious, while I kept silent. She placed them on my headboard.” There, that looks nice."  

"Let's go, this place is creepy." Mary begged after twenty minutes of one sided conversation. I heard them whispering about how sad it was to be here as they departed. Well, it's even sadder if you're the one staying, I thought, and then I ran after them yelling their names, all of a sudden I wanted to connect again, to explain my position. All my muscles were stiff and my bones felt dehydrated from lack of use. They never heard me and I was blocked at the gate. Only admissions, no dismissals. 

"Don't worry, that's as complicated as it gets." Man informed me. "The visits get farther and farther along till they stop coming. I haven't had a visitor in years." Good thing, he hadn't looked like he'd groomed himself in as long.  

What he said really upset me. I wanted people to know what they had caused me to do. I wanted their conscious to bother them. I wanted them to change so they wouldn't damage other egos. The belittling I had endured, (or failed to endure), the degrading comments thrown at me, continuously piercing my soul till I resembled a porcupine, all of that will go on if no one takes notice of my actions. 

"Sorry. Most of us believed we were making personal statements. Changing the course of human behavior." Man interjected, as though he read my mind. "I personally just wanted to escape the pain. It's still here." He thumped his chest exposing a round hole in the center. "I'm here cos my wife cheated on me. I thought I'd teach her a lesson. She's still on the outside, remarried with new kids. Yea, she's really suffering!" 

"I'm here for getting pregnant. No way would I tell my parents. This was easier,” said Girl pointing to her wrists. "I was only sixteen when I arrived here.” She began to moan and rocked back and forth, hugging her permanently bloated stomach. "They came for a while and screamed at me in their misery. It turns out they would have loved a grandchild." 

They both looked at me, expectantly. "I'm here because of a low self-esteem. I was put down so much I finally believed I was useless." I hung my head, revealing an opening in the back. Man and Girl embraced me.  A crowd gathered around us and we vented through the night. 

 Once again the sun started to rise at Greenwood Cemetery and we went to our eternal beds to endure another day of remorse. I sniffed the flowers Ellen placed on my tombstone before I pulled up my shroud and re-commenced weeping, separated from the living by six feet of dirt and a heartbeat.