Waking up was hard. I could tell it was practically noon without looking at a clock. I rolled over and stretched. My bed was hard and cold affecting every joint I owned. My head was cracking in two. Sunlight blurred my vision. I reached for my sunglasses.Today would be like all the other days of my recent life, boring and depressing so there was no reason to jump up and race anywhere. The traffic on the streets was light today. I wonder why? Oh yeah, I know why!. I did have something to do today: eat and eat till my stomach hurt. Some church down town was fixing dinner for the neighborhood. I didn't have to scrounge for something to cook today! I just had to be leery of goodie two shoes. There is always a gimmick when things are offered free.
I got up, made my bed, knocking over five beer cans laying where my head was moments ago. Open bean and wiener cans lay scattered about. My dog slowly unrolled her body and waited for my next move, her tail wagging. "Sorry old girl, I will have to bring you something back." I secured her to something solid. I would die if I lost my only companion of the last few months.I didn't have to get dressed. My pajamas and day wear were one and the same. The benefits of not having someone dictate to you daily how to live your life. I ran my hands over wrinkles, in my clothes and hair, attempting to smooth them out and aimed my self in the direction of sustenance.
It was a blustery November day, the fourth Thursday in the month, and I was walking towards a fantastic dinner. I could hardly wait. Turkey, stuffing, apple, blueberry, and pecan pies, yams, cranberry relish, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, salads galore, vegetables that I would probably pass on. (It's not that I hate vegetables, I love them, that's why I'm against the whole sale slaughtering of them.)All around me the wind whipped the trees and bushes. Leaves fluttered by my head along with papers and other litter. I snugged up my jacket collar and shoved my hands deeper into my pockets, one hand exited the opposite end. There's something else to do today, mend some clothes. My feet were blistering where my socks were torn, and rubbing against the leather shoes. Parts of my feet were scrapping concrete where the soles had worn through. I walked past a man hunkered up against a building, knees drawn up to his chest, head slightly tilted to the far left. His right hand had a tight hold on a brown bag with a bottle neck sticking out. If he were conscience I'd probably have invited him to join me for a meal. I wasn't about to disturb his sleep,(or death?)
The closer I got to the finish line I was joined by more dinner go-ers. We tried to out saunter each other, not wanting to be last in line. Men with torn service clothes on, women carrying half naked youngsters with slightly blue lips, toddlers without shoes stumble-running at their heels, couples that looked like they knew each other to well by the looks of the bruises in various stages of healing, teenagers keeping a hold on their pants to avoid tripping on their own clothing. A good belt would help with those pants,kids. It's not a new invention. I never cared for the baggy pants look. Now flannel and fleece pajama bottoms were something else. They looked so cool. I used them for everything, mixing them up with colorful t-shirts when I lived at home.
There it was at last. The walk really impacted my appetite not that it needed much of a shove. The aromas from the kitchen formed invisible fingers pulling me forward. I didn't need any encouragement. My mouth was salivating in preparation for the first best dinner of the year; next month's of course being the grand finale.Where did all these people come from? Where did they stay at night and during the day? I prayed there would be enough for seconds, even thirds.
Man, the tables were loaded down. A lady at the door greeted me, handed me a plate and pointed to a line. Was her warmth genuine? Who cared, I was going to feast. Things were moving without a hitch and before long I was seated and someone planted a tea glass in front of me. Wow, a table, table cloth, plate, fork,spoon, knife, napkin and drinking glass. There were hand sanitizers stacked by the salt and pepper shakers. Just like the meals at mom's house, only she made us wash before coming to the table!
I chowed down and chowed down some more. I was afraid to talk fearing I'd oink instead. There were cards in the pumpkin centerpieces that gave directions to needed community services. Food lines, homeless shelters, women's havens, Medical clinics, AA, NA, etc. Every need was attempting to be met without getting in our faces. Checking to be sure I wasn't been watched, I pocketed an AA card, just in case.
The atmosphere was between subdued and exuberant. Some attendees kept to themselves, while some were gently coaxed into conversations by strategically placed church members. Some of the hard core visitants mumbled to themselves making it clear they wanted no interaction. Some threw furtive glances around waiting to be evicted, not believing their luck, having victuals in front of them was all they wanted. The kids were uninhibited however, running, jumping and crawling under tables. There were corners set up for story telling and games to divert the rowdy ones and entertain the calm ones. They were setting up to play movies in the auditorium, laying blankets and pillows about for the younsters that wouldn't be able to stay awake.
The minister was mingling,going from table to table introducing himself and shaking hands, well able to fit into any conversational topic. He was dressed in (gasp) blue jeans and a t-shirt. A suit and tie would make him look haughty. Smart dude.
As people left the tables, replacements were instantly seated. No one had to wait or eat standing up, unless that was their wish. Casting a few side looks I stashed some rolls and meat into my pocket, the one without the hole, for Scruffy.
A lady walked up with deserts on a tray an proffered some to me. I grabbed two pie wedges and started shoveling them into a ready receptacle, my mouth. Sitting down, dessert lady, leaned over and whispered. "It's alright to take some food home for a friend." She nodded at my swelling pocket. Zinged.
"It's for my dog." I explained, turning red. She was going to make a spectacle of me and confiscate my hidden treasures.
"Well for heaven's sake, let me get the poor thing a doggy bag."
She hurried away and returned with a plastic bag loaded with turkey skin, meat, rolls,fat and other unidentifiable edibles that were high on doggy heaven lists. "I just love animals so we have a bin in back we're stashing the left overs in for anyone's pets."
Wow, these people are clever."Gee, thanks." Scruffy's stomach was going to be ecstatic. I was so relieved. I felt selfish having a full tummy while she was starving. I was beginning to see her ribs. I was wrong when I announced to my parents I could take care of her.
I finally finished gorging myself and investigated the other rooms. They had a country store set up with clothes and necessities. While you shopped they played a film about the life of Jesus, tricky people, these Christians. Everything had the same price tag. "Donated in the name of Jesus". I selected some clean socks, a box of cereal, some canned goods, a sewing kit, a shirt, toothpaste and other little conveniences I'd been without for sometime. Mothers helped themselves to diapers, baby formulas, baby shoes and outfits. They pocketed very little for themselves since they could only tote so much. Sorry, no cigarettes or liqueur were on display anywhere. It's amazing how none of the "customers" took advantage of the free stuff. I guess carrying and storing was a problem for most of us.As I went from room to room I would catch a phrase here and there. "...loves you..." "...nothing to great to forgive..." "...waiting for us...." "...carries our burdens..." "...all sinners have a future..." Church people were using their wiles on the guests. I'd heard it all before at home, didn't want to listen then, don't want to listen now. It is amazing, though, how the seed takes root once it's distributed.
There was an office with several phones that people were standing in line for. The church was picking up the tab for family calls for those who so desired. Oh, what the hell. It would be nice to hear mom's voice. Let her know I was still alive and making it on my own. A voice whispered in my ear. "Don't be crazy, you had good reasons for leaving." I managed to ignore it. I'll call and hang up after she answers."Hello."
Mom answered on the second ring.With out warning my mouth started to betray me. "Mom, can I come home. I'm sorry I took your money, I'll go to school and everything, I promise. I'll give up beer, I'll do anything you want!" I began to cry like a baby. Damn, I'm too old for this.
"Dan, come quick!" Mom began yelling for dad. The yelling I used to hate now resonated as music to my ears! Never would I have thought mom's yelling could sound so welcome. She was yelling and crying when dad croaked into the phone.
"Where are you son?" I've never heard dad's voice crack with emotion before. It made me wail louder. I told them where to find me. I was twenty minutes away. My spoiled younger brother was in the background asking,"What's the big deal? The looser needs more money? He's probably drunk right now."
I hung up and ran "home" to pack the only thing that mattered. Scruffy. I would be bathed and sleeping in my bed soon. I rolled up my sleeping bag as cars whizzed by on the bridge above me. I've been living under this bridge for five months. It was a choice location, protecting me somewhat from the extreme heat and cold. Any moment a car will stop, honk, and Scruffy and I will be gone, vacating this dream spot for someone else. I just hoped mom wouldn't fix my favorite meals all at once. For some reason I'm not hungry right now for anything but love! I'm even eager to see my brat brother, despite our differences!
Psalm 146:7
Luke 15:11-31
John 21:17
James 2:15-17
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Act of God
Slumlord? What's their problem? It's not my fault they can't afford better housing. They're darn lucky I provide them with a roof and four walls. If they want repairs they need to expect a rent increase or do their own maintenance. It was time to leave, no way I'm going to listen to any more complaints at the tenants association meeting. They keep bringing up the poor soul who died of a heat stroke in his apartment because I wouldn't install air conditioning. This was Texas after all. Summer was literally a killer; I wasn't responsible for acts of God.
I steered my car towards the freeway. The last thing I remembered was the car pulling out in front of me. I had a green light, they ran a red light. No, that's not true, I also remembered scenes from my life passing in front of me. The days I stole, lied, cheated, committed adultery, schemed to murder,(never actually pulled it off but plotting it was cathartic), partied, and climbed up the latter of success, buying multiple apartment complexes. Then I felt searing pain, but just for a second before I entered total blackness.
I eventually came to, but didn't have a concept of time. I had been thrown from my car and was lying on the roadside.I slowly sat up and looked around. There were two cars meshed together, smoldering, with police and emergency techs milling around them. Two bodies were on stretchers nearby with paramedics working furiously to stabilize them. A man was standing by one stretcher holding a ladies hand and crying. The lady was smiling wanely at him. The paramedic assured the man that it wasn't as bad as it looked.
I must not be bad off. No one was working on me. I needed to get back to the office, time was money. I called over to one of the EMT's to ask if I could use his cell phone, since mine was missing from my pocket. I didn't have time to go to the emergency room. It was amazing how good I felt looking at the condition of what appeared to once be my Jaquar.The guy nearest me was so busy with his work he didn't even look up at me. I experienced a sensation of tugging on my legs. Turning to see who had a hold of me I only saw a blanket covered mass. Oh, no, someone didn't survive. They should have been more careful at the intersection, running red lights is fatal. Thank heavens I had the right of way. The driver of the other vehicle was guilty of manslaughter. Serves him right, inconveniencing me like this.
The tugging continued to get stronger but no one was there. I began to feel apprehensive, something close to an anxiety attack was affecting me. I jumped to my feet to run away. The tugging increased and increased, pulling me to my knees. Looking down I realized I wasn't on my knees but that my legs had sunk below the ground and my waist was vanishing below the surface. I was sinking into the earth. Two horrible thoughts occured to me. I stretched hard to reach the sheet over the still body and yanked it off just as I sunk down to my chest. The body on the ground, the one that didn't make it, was mangled and bloody but I knew it well. It was me! The teachings of my sainted mother returned to me with fervor,stories of heaven and hell. Fear gripped me. I thought they had just been stories to make me behave!I yelled to the sky above me, "Don't do this, I was going to make a decision when I retired! Give me a break. Show me your famous grace!""Sorry, no second chances after death." was the reply. It was an act of God.
My head disappeared below ground. I made out different layers of dirt, worms, rocks, roots, insects, maggots and started screaming and lashing out. Further and further I went. Hotter and hotter it got,with temperatures soaring higher than any summer day in Texas. I found myself in a muddy tunnel with others and soon I was dumped in a dark cave with more bodies. All my senses were assaulted. My skin sizzled, my blood boiled and evaporated. My lips and tongue felt like sandpaper. I experienced incredible thirst and longed for my liquor bar at home. My ears were subjected to wicked screaming and wailing from deeper down. Acrid smoke filled my nasal passages with burning flesh. My eyes were fighting the darkness. Dirt and grit scratched my corneas. I know they were open but I saw nothing but absolute darkness. The brief moment I had entered darkness after the accident was the only relief from pain I'd ever know again.
I slid down a steep incline at the back of the cave with other carcasses, all howling and shouting, begging and praying. And bargaining. "Let's work something out", most of us pleaded with our Judge and Jury."Give us a chance to warn our families about this place!" The answer came back, "If your families didn't listen to my ministers, they won't listen to the dead!"
We rolled towards a huge furnace fueled by screeching bodies. Monstrous beasts were pushing us in. People were striking each other, crawling over each other trying to put distance between them and the blaze. There was no escape. The heat was past suffocating. I tried to climb back up the way I came. There were no hand or footholds. More bodies falling down blocked the exit. Hysterically I formed a plan. If all of us worked together we could climb up, we could get out of here. No one was listening to my shouts. No one could hear me over their own wailing. No one was going to cooperate.
Inside the furnace faces looked out, melting and reforming, old faces, old bodies. They were scorched and still aware of their circumstances. No morphine or pain drugs here. People from history books were present. Infamous people dead for centuries, still suffering. People who had plotted violent crimes together were treating each other with the code of violence they had committed. All friendships, alliances or connections were meaningless now. No one could offer anyone an alternative. Everyone here had been villains or gang members on earth, here in the bowels of hot lava no partnerships existed.
Searching above me for some exit, some sign of hope in a hopeless situation, I caught a glimpse of the tenant who had died of heat exhaustion in my apartments. He was on a soft cloud by a swiftly flowing river lined with all types of fruit bearing trees, being offered cool beverages by a beautiful winged creature. Seconds latter I was shoveled into the incinerator with the rest of humanity's trash. Weeping wailing and gnashing of teeth for eternity. I will find no friends or relieve in hell. This was the last act of God for me.
Luke 16:19-31
I steered my car towards the freeway. The last thing I remembered was the car pulling out in front of me. I had a green light, they ran a red light. No, that's not true, I also remembered scenes from my life passing in front of me. The days I stole, lied, cheated, committed adultery, schemed to murder,(never actually pulled it off but plotting it was cathartic), partied, and climbed up the latter of success, buying multiple apartment complexes. Then I felt searing pain, but just for a second before I entered total blackness.
I eventually came to, but didn't have a concept of time. I had been thrown from my car and was lying on the roadside.I slowly sat up and looked around. There were two cars meshed together, smoldering, with police and emergency techs milling around them. Two bodies were on stretchers nearby with paramedics working furiously to stabilize them. A man was standing by one stretcher holding a ladies hand and crying. The lady was smiling wanely at him. The paramedic assured the man that it wasn't as bad as it looked.
I must not be bad off. No one was working on me. I needed to get back to the office, time was money. I called over to one of the EMT's to ask if I could use his cell phone, since mine was missing from my pocket. I didn't have time to go to the emergency room. It was amazing how good I felt looking at the condition of what appeared to once be my Jaquar.The guy nearest me was so busy with his work he didn't even look up at me. I experienced a sensation of tugging on my legs. Turning to see who had a hold of me I only saw a blanket covered mass. Oh, no, someone didn't survive. They should have been more careful at the intersection, running red lights is fatal. Thank heavens I had the right of way. The driver of the other vehicle was guilty of manslaughter. Serves him right, inconveniencing me like this.
The tugging continued to get stronger but no one was there. I began to feel apprehensive, something close to an anxiety attack was affecting me. I jumped to my feet to run away. The tugging increased and increased, pulling me to my knees. Looking down I realized I wasn't on my knees but that my legs had sunk below the ground and my waist was vanishing below the surface. I was sinking into the earth. Two horrible thoughts occured to me. I stretched hard to reach the sheet over the still body and yanked it off just as I sunk down to my chest. The body on the ground, the one that didn't make it, was mangled and bloody but I knew it well. It was me! The teachings of my sainted mother returned to me with fervor,stories of heaven and hell. Fear gripped me. I thought they had just been stories to make me behave!I yelled to the sky above me, "Don't do this, I was going to make a decision when I retired! Give me a break. Show me your famous grace!""Sorry, no second chances after death." was the reply. It was an act of God.
My head disappeared below ground. I made out different layers of dirt, worms, rocks, roots, insects, maggots and started screaming and lashing out. Further and further I went. Hotter and hotter it got,with temperatures soaring higher than any summer day in Texas. I found myself in a muddy tunnel with others and soon I was dumped in a dark cave with more bodies. All my senses were assaulted. My skin sizzled, my blood boiled and evaporated. My lips and tongue felt like sandpaper. I experienced incredible thirst and longed for my liquor bar at home. My ears were subjected to wicked screaming and wailing from deeper down. Acrid smoke filled my nasal passages with burning flesh. My eyes were fighting the darkness. Dirt and grit scratched my corneas. I know they were open but I saw nothing but absolute darkness. The brief moment I had entered darkness after the accident was the only relief from pain I'd ever know again.
I slid down a steep incline at the back of the cave with other carcasses, all howling and shouting, begging and praying. And bargaining. "Let's work something out", most of us pleaded with our Judge and Jury."Give us a chance to warn our families about this place!" The answer came back, "If your families didn't listen to my ministers, they won't listen to the dead!"
We rolled towards a huge furnace fueled by screeching bodies. Monstrous beasts were pushing us in. People were striking each other, crawling over each other trying to put distance between them and the blaze. There was no escape. The heat was past suffocating. I tried to climb back up the way I came. There were no hand or footholds. More bodies falling down blocked the exit. Hysterically I formed a plan. If all of us worked together we could climb up, we could get out of here. No one was listening to my shouts. No one could hear me over their own wailing. No one was going to cooperate.
Inside the furnace faces looked out, melting and reforming, old faces, old bodies. They were scorched and still aware of their circumstances. No morphine or pain drugs here. People from history books were present. Infamous people dead for centuries, still suffering. People who had plotted violent crimes together were treating each other with the code of violence they had committed. All friendships, alliances or connections were meaningless now. No one could offer anyone an alternative. Everyone here had been villains or gang members on earth, here in the bowels of hot lava no partnerships existed.
Searching above me for some exit, some sign of hope in a hopeless situation, I caught a glimpse of the tenant who had died of heat exhaustion in my apartments. He was on a soft cloud by a swiftly flowing river lined with all types of fruit bearing trees, being offered cool beverages by a beautiful winged creature. Seconds latter I was shoveled into the incinerator with the rest of humanity's trash. Weeping wailing and gnashing of teeth for eternity. I will find no friends or relieve in hell. This was the last act of God for me.
Luke 16:19-31
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