The Break Up
Breaking up was hard to do, we had been together for a long time but I decided I wanted my autonomy. I had been young when we met and I felt I deserved to see more of the world. It wasn’t fair to him that he had been my first love without my knowing what else was in reach. Besides, he was so possessive. Always directing my actions, whispering in my ear whenever he sensed I was going to do something that displeased him. Well, I made my decision now and I had to live with it. I wasn’t going to be wishy-washy, my mind was set.
As I walked out of his house he just stood there with a tear rolling down his cheek. I had no empathy for him, he had never rejected or deliberately hurt me as I was doing to him. I was disappointed that he didn’t rush after me, plead with me, beg me to stay. He must have wanted this himself! What a hypocrite, why did he let this relationship go for so long if he was worn out with it himself? If I meant something to him he should have fought for me! What a wuss!
I breathed the air of autonomy as I walked down his driveway to my car. I knew where I wanted to go first. A bar. He never prevented me from going to one but he always went with me, inhibiting my actions. Everyone else always seemed to be having so much fun, switching partners, meeting new people, getting a buzz from alcohol, while we just had a coke and observed fun in action. I only went for going away parties when someone at work left for other pastures. I‘ve never been drunk so that was my first objective. Real mature goals, huh?
The music was loud, the lights were flashing, beverages were a hundred proof, no one seemed unhappy, (and there were tons of “no ones” everyone in the city had to be in this one building). I couldn’t move without brushing against a body from the front, back or side. Fluid spilled on me from several glasses as I made my way back for seconds and thirds, purposely passing by a gentleman who had been observing me from the moment I entered; yes, I noticed. He couldn’t keep his eyes off of me, and I wanted more than his blue orbs embracing me. He was an extremely handsome dude and he was ogling me! Well, stop looking and start touching!
Oops, I tripped as I neared him on my way back to my table and wouldn’t you know it, I practically fell in his lap! Gosh, I’m such a klutz. Hmmm. As it turned out, my little clumsiness was a great ice breaker, we spent the rest of the evening together. He bought all my drinks and things started getting hazy from then on but I had no doubts about where we would end up.
.I woke up the next morning in his room, I left the bar a girl and woke a woman. I just wish I knew whether I had enjoyed it or not. I spent the day with him, then the night, then the morning again. (I’m not going to tell you to get your mind out of the gutter because whatever you’re thinking happened, happened, let your thoughts go feral!) I was smitten. It was hard for me to believe that it had been so easy to find love again, on my first night of liberty. If this was rebound love I don’t know why it got such a bad reputation.
What followed was a whirl wind courtship. Is that still a popular phrase? We spent time together, invented time to be together, cancelled appointments to be together, gave up friends to be together. He taught me how to drink, and explore the world of drugs safely; what an oxymoron! I was getting the life I didn’t have with Mr. Goodie Two Shoes (GTS). I was seeing the world with a personal guide. I had a man that knew how to treat a woman so that she knew she was a woman.
I missed lots of work to be with Tophet. I gave up my friends because they had been part of my life with GTS and kept imploring me to go back. None of my old friends liked Tophet and didn’t mind voicing their unsolicited opinions. I wouldn’t do it. Slowly I became a hermit with just that special some one only in my life, Tophet.
The weeks melted into months. Months with many changes. My employment changed several times do to repeated absenteeism. Where we lived changed several times, due to failure to meet the rent. My bank account changed due to failure to work steadily. My health changed several times due to….never mind. I got a “disease” that Tophet and I argued about. He skillfully convinced me I must have picked it up off a toilet seat at one of the filthy bars we visited recently. It embarrassed me to seek treatment for it since old acquaintances worked at the public health office, the only medical care I could afford now. They were very kind to me but that didn’t hide the “I told you” sign that hung in the air between us in flashing neon lights.
One morning while Tophet went in search of some nourishment, the kind you inhale, pop or shoot up, I drug myself to the medicine cabinet in search of any small pill or grain of cocaine that we might have over looked. I screeched when I found an intruder in the bathroom hiding behind the sink. She stared at me with sunken eyes, (lusterless sunken eyes), bruised cheeks, (sunken bruised cheeks). Eye shadow was smeared to her hair line, lipstick was smeared to her chin, mascara was smeared to her upper lips, however there was no make up whatever on her eyelids, lips or lashes where you would expect to see such things. Her bare shoulders were battered and scratched and her hair looked like it was combed with an egg beater. I reached to toss her out on her ears but she wouldn’t move. She was standing flat against the wall so I tried again, I couldn’t get a good grip. Good grief she was so flat! Following a few efforts to get my hands on her it hit me; this trespasser was my reflection! My heart stopped. My breathing stopped. My brain stopped. A video lit up the mirror and my choreographed life played in slow motion. It had to have been produced by Stephen King.
I was in no condition to walk so grabbing my car keys I stumbled to my car. I didn’t know where I was going. I just had to get away from that person in the mirror but she pursued me to the car, I could see her in the rearview mirror. My car went into auto pilot and took me down old familiar lanes. I passed people who didn’t wave or honk at me. They should know me but no one recognized me.
I found his house. Should I get out? What nerve I had, expecting him to be home waiting for me after months of making fun of his lifestyle? He wouldn’t want to see me now. I had broken my promise to stay pure for him till my wedding night. I had researched drugs, alcohol, theft, sex and things so carnal even I don’t want to list them.I got out of my car and wobbled to the front door. Lights glowed out of the windows. I gently tapped the knocker. Gently because I didn’t want him to hear me. Then I was afraid he wouldn’t answer so I knocked harder. He must have peeked out the window. Of course he wouldn’t let me in. He warranted someone better than me. I wasn’t good enough for myself, why would he want this broken body, filled with broken promises? He was probably calling the police at this very moment.
Tophet pulled up on the curb; literally. The passenger side hit the streetlight making metal to metal racket. He had his special angry face on! The one that preceded teaching me “a lesson I would remember!” I resumed pounding on the door and crumbled to the cement. This would be mortifying. I was going to get a pounding right under GTS’s nose. He would enjoy this, I‘m sure. The girl that jilted him and her “lover” getting carted off to jail for disturbing the peace.
“Oh, God help me!” I moaned, my lips moving with the words sliding silently out onto the air.
Seconds before Tophet reached me the door swung open and GTS stood there, hands at his side slightly angled out, palms up. Blood dripped from old wounds on his wrist onto my head. Tophet braked to a stop inches from me. There was a staring contest between the two men as I wept in a disintegrated heap. Tophet cursed and raged. He spewed all sorts of epithets at me, I covered my ears with shaking hands. GTS crushed Tophet without even raising a arm or uttering a word. Tophet retreated, a hissing looser. I grabbed GTS’s feet to prevent him from leaving me outside. He stooped down and gently hoisting me to my feet steered me into the living area. They were all there. All my friends. My true friends. On their knees. Heads bent. Praying. For me. Behind them stood radiant wispy figures only I could see, applauding. It must have been the residual effect of some drug, at least it was pleasant unlike the nightmarish apparitions I’d caught sight of in the past few weeks.
In nano seconds, I was surrounded. Caressed by loving hands, (in decent places!). Cleaned. Fed. Dressed. My wounds were treated, and covered. I was welcomed back. Similar stories were shared. I wasn’t alone. I never was. To my astonishment they all had comparable tales they were ashamed of. What bombshells they dropped on me! Hard to believe? Believe it. My story isn’t unique. It’s not hopeless. GTS wasn’t ashamed of me. He was willing, ready and able to take me back. He would never mention the past few months to me again. With his wonderfully selective memory he chose to only remember that I called out to him, you see…..GTS, goodie two shoes, is really GTS, the God That Saves. I was back home, in his house.……….Oh, P.S I latter learned that the door had never been locked behind me, all I had had to do was turn the knob, GTS was on the other side just patiently waiting.
Psalm 27:4
Psalm 84:10
Psalm 103:12
Isaiah 1:18
Isaiah 30:33
Luke 15:10
Luke 15:11-32
John 8:
Rom. 6:15-23
Eph 1:7-12
