you think you had a bad week?

I don't feel sorry for any of you saps who feel you were put through the ringer. I just survived the absolute worst week of my life. You're probably not interested in hearing my story but I don't give a darn, I'm going to tell you about it anyway.

I was minding my own business when the good Lord decided to uproot my life. Sure I sang,"Where ever you lead I'll go ", every Sunday while the chorus director swung his little stick around, but golly, who really meant it? I guess I joined the ranks of other liars that belt out that song. Here's a tip: next time you sing in church make sure you agree with the lyrics!

Any way, I argued with him. I refused to do his bidding. I wasn't worthy, wasn't interested, didn't have the time. Couldn't care less. Well....turns out those were the wrong things to say to him. He stalked me. He hounded me. He followed me around every corner and looked in every bar for me. He wouldn't let loose.

It was then my great idea occurred to me. Take a vacation. Get away for a while. He'll give up. When he realizes I really ain't going to do it, he'll have to give up. Find someone else to do the job.

I took off with some friends on their yacht. Yea, I know looking at me, you wouldn't think I had friends worth anything but I know some people. (Actually, they let me tag along to tend to their needs, but hey, a trip is a trip.)The weather started getting dicey and after it lasted a while I joked it could be my fault. They investigated this further and decided I was a major risk. They didn't want God's wrath chasing them across the seas. It would be easier to take care of themselves than they first supposed. I backed away from them. The look in their eyes frightened me, extremely! Geesh, can't people take a joke! The ship careened to one side, I lost my footing and bounced my head off the deck.

The next thing I was aware of was darkness. Wet darkness. They must have thrown me into a barrel. A big barrel. I was deep in muck, and slime. Things slithered and wiggled about my feet. I was floating on sewage. They must have tossed me into the waste bucket. Do yacht's have such a thing? I had to stand up to get my nose away from stench. Someone opened the lid, way, way above my head. I saw daylight, then was drenched in more sewage. Things bounced off me and clung to me. Seaweed, trash and who knows what else. It was dark in here and the opening closed quickly. With each new load of refuse the padded sides and floor contracted pushing the old load refuse to the rear. Fearing it was a garbage disposal and I would be mashed,slice and eliminated, I kept marching forward against a strong current of waste.

Every time the hatch was opened I yelled for help. I begged, pleaded, cajoled. How long would they continue this? This wasn't funny anymore. (In fact, it never was funny.) Surely they weren't going to chance jail for murder? Their type could always buy their way out of trouble. I'm a goner.

Okay, God. If this is your doing it's just not amusing. What happened to free will. I freely choose to not go where you lead. You got a problem with that? No, you're right, I have the problem.
I lost tract of time. It isn't a priority to have a schedule when you're just trying to keep your head above pollution level. There I stood, for days, attempting to survive, swaying with the waves, rolling about, spitting things out of my mouth, wiping things from my eyes. My skin burned from whatever acidic goop was poured down here. I occasionally was subjected to weird sounds. What kind of music were they listening to up there. It sounded mournful, like a nature tape of sea life.

I've had enough! I looked up to what I presumed was heaven and yelled. "Okay, God, You win. I'll do it!" I cried uncle, aunt, niece, cousin. What ever it took! I gave up.

Things happened at high speed then. The boat took off. I was flipped about and thrown off balance every time I regained my footing . Suddenly, wham. The brakes were applied and I flew out. Free! I found myself face down in sand. Sputtering and looking over my shoulder I spied a huge set of fins flapping in the air. I'm guessing I hadn't been on the boat in awhile. All the obscenities I'd been shouting to my tormentors were in vain. No one was around to hear the curses I had been placing on the blood of their families. Then a head soared up and white teeth were displayed. That thing was laughing at me! I swear it was! If a fish can say,"I told you so!", that's the message this thing was trying to convey to me.

Getting to my feet I brushed myself off. Partially digested food clung to me. I don't believe I'll ever go swimming or boating again. But I'll definitely enjoy seafood the next time I eat it.I'll be hoping it will be my acquaintance here. Who cares if he was just following orders. Mr. High and mighty fish! Think you're better than me? You just wait! I have officially been chewed up and spit out. Tell me if that's ever literally been done before... or since?

Two surfers walked up to me, carrying their boards."Hey, dude, you alright?" They asked, pinching their noses to avoid inhaling my pleasant aroma. Right, that made me feel good.
"Yea, I'm fine, considering." I ran my hand over my face and body checking to be sure I still had a full inventory. All fingers, toes, ears and eyes were present. My skin was a little smoother. Here's another tip, girls: Gastric juices apparently are good for the complexion. Once I finish up with my assignment I think I'll get a patent for gastric facial scrubs.

"Is there anything we can do for you?" "Can you point me in the direction of Nineveh? I have a big job to do."

As they walked away I over heard one surfer tell the other, "Man, that dude needs a bath before he shows up at work. Have you ever smelled anything so fishy and disgusting in your life?"
Jonah.