Lost

Gosh, what a beautiful view. I sat down on a boulder and unloaded my portable artist kit. The mountains, trees and setting sun were too resplendent to ignore and not record. My pencil etched lines on the paper that eventually resembled the panorama I was witness too, but was a poor substitute to God's own handiwork. I didn't notice the time till I realized I could no longer see what I was doing. I reloaded my tote bag and readied myself to return to camp.
No, silly, that's the wrong way, I told myself and changed directions. No. This isn't correct either. None of these trees looked familiar because they all looked similar. I turned in a small circle. There wasn't a path for me to retrace. I remember the guide saying something about not getting off the marked trails, I only remember it because he repeated that one bit of advice thirty times in as many minutes. Some thing horrible occurred to me. Either I'm lost or my group is and since we set up tents I doubt it was the group. My spirits were beginning to drastically droop.
I reached into my bag for the flashlight-radio-compass gadget I purchased for this trip. Okay. I have the arrow pointing north, now what? I didn't know if I I needed to head east, west, north or south. So, having a compass isn't necessarily helpful, but at least I have light to stumble around with. I picked a path the scientific way. Eenie meenie, minie, moe. Never mind the old saying, if lost stay put till found. Boy, do I wish I'd sprung for the global positioning device. The next time I'm invited on a camping trip I'll do more than think twice.
Trekking onward I heard music so I followed the melodies. Not wholesome lyrics. They sounded like that awful rap junk that plays havoc with women. I switched the flashlight off and peered over some bushes at the private party. Two men and a "lady" were laughing raucously and guzzling alcoholic beverages. The woman looked pretty busy entertaining the two males and she didn't seem the type that wanted company. One guy finished his bottle and tossed it backwards where it landed close to my feet. They had on leather vests with wool lining. I don't plan on letting these wolves in sheep clothing discover that there is another female in the vicinity. No matter how scared and lonely I am, I have no intentions of going from the frying pan to the fire. I slowly backtracked. No way they'd hear me with all the noise they were making. I thanked God for giving me the common sense to prefer isolation to a worse situation, I thought as I returned to what now seemed a less wilder frontier. I wish I drank, because I sure could use a beer.
The sun had gone west hours ago and I was feeling the cold down in my bones. Flashlight glancing off objects all around me I searched for some form of shelter. I feared the ground's creepy crawlies so I found a tall oak with a slant to it that I could climb. Nestling down on a broad branch feet from the ground I positioned myself to sleep in such a way that I'd jerk awake if I lost my balance. With my sense of equilibrium, that was taking a huge chance.I poked around in my knapsack for some food. Peppermints and two energy bars were hiding on the bottom. I said grace over my meager meal before chomping down. Boy, was it getting cooler. I retrieved my bible from the tote and read by flashlight for a while warming myself with God's lamp, the lamp of his word. I pulled my arms out of the t-shirt sleeves and held them inside against my body and tucked my knees up to my chest, then yanked my shorts lower down over my legs. I looked like I was returning to my mother's womb. It was times like these I wished I smoked. At least I'd have matches to start a fire(on a wooden surface, I'd have plenty of fuel!) The woods were resonant with animal sounds. Some sounded friendly, some didn't. Lord protect me, I whispered, not wanting the animals to hear me. I know you spent forty days in the wilderness with wild beasts and came out unharmed,let me do the same, please. The coyote I hear howling is getting me alarmed.
I slept, so to speak, till the first glint of dawn. Birds were in the limbs above me splattering me with...never mind. I was stiff, Boy, was I stiff. I placed a finger over my left wrist to check my pulse. If I was dead I wasn't going to bother getting up. Nope, one, two, three. There was definitely a beat, and I sensed just the slightest hint of body heat.
I descended gracefully (with a thud) to the leafy floor. For the first ten minutes I walked hunkered over like my ancestors did 50,000 years ago. My spine didn't want to straighten out. How the hell did Jane always look so limber in those movies.? Must have had something to do with Tarzan. She probably never got a good nights sleep, but if I'd been out on a limb with Tarzan I wouldn't be feeling no pain either, or wasting my time on sleep!! I probably wouldn't even notice it was cold. I could see my breath on the morning air but I was getting warm. Okay, time to change my line of thinking before it turns into full fledged lusting, God help me bring my thoughts back into captivity. Right now finding food for myself should be a priority.
Onward I went. I should eventually find human life. I wasn't in the Appalachians so I should come up on a freeway or something soon, with a nice roadside diner. Something growled, startling me. Perking my ears I listened again. Grrr. Grrr... Oh, heck. Was it my stomach reminding me to feed it? No. That's not it. It was coming from the other side of these shrubs. Looking over the low branches, carefully, I discovered a mother bear feeding her cub berries. Lots of tasty, plumb, blue berries. My mouth watered. Could I take on a bear. Kind David could. Why didn't I pack a sling shot?. Hind sight is always twenty, twenty and if I could buy it in advance I'd pay a pretty penny.
That was a big bear. I mean, a really big bear. Did I mention it was a big bear? Okay, be still, I told myself. With purposeful self control I remained motionless. Well, not completely, something moved. It was wet and warm and soaked my socks and shoes. Mother bear sat up and sniffed. Her enormous head with equally sized teeth rotated towards me. Our eyes met. Don't move. Don't move. That was meant for both of us. Her sniffer went into overdrive. She got up on her hind legs and stretched upward, then roared. Don't move. Don't move. More wet warm feelings went down my legs. Mother took another nostril full of air and swatted junior, motioning for him to head back to their den. Before her tail disappeared, I swear she flicked it at me. I started breathing again. "Oh, yeah." I called after her. "What makes you think you smell so sweet!" Rejected by a bear! I must have smelled like rotten meat!
I helped myself to the berries. Lots of berries. I immediately thanked God for being in control of the bear and blessed my food. My lips and hands were taking on a lovely blue shade to highlight the white sprinkles on my head, arms and clothes deposited by the afore mentioned birdies. These sure would go good on pancakes. Why am I torturing myself? Eat, don't think. Just eat. And eat fast before some other creature decides to join the breakfast table. I packed away as many berries as I was able.
"Cathy Miller!!" "Cathy Miller!" Okay, how many Cathy's are wandering around out here? Was using my last name absolutely necessary? What if I was Cathy Wilson, should I remain silent? I recognized the voice as the trail leader's. "Over here!" I answered back, running towards the disembodied voice, while thanking God for his help and protection, and giving myself a good mental spanking.
We practically collided with each other, coming around a mound of earth. I came to a stop. He skidded to a stop. He stared at me. All white spotted like a leper, blue tinted like I had been dead for three days, and smelling likewise. Dirt, now in the form of mud, clung to the wet, not discreet, areas of my outfit. I shudder to imagine how my make-up had fared, I know I was having a bad hair day. Should I shoot him to eliminate any witnesses to my unsightly condition and go deeper into uncharted territory? Start a hermit's life. Never to be seen again. Mourned at a body-less memorial. These were comforting possibilities but I doubt I'd survive long without modern facilities.
"You're not Cathy Miller. She was an attractive woman." He informed me."May I see some I.D? You look more like Phyllis Diller."
I was no longer eager to get back to civilization."Get me to a nice hot bath and quit the comedy routine." I said in desperation.
"I should be allowed some comments, I've spent a good deal of time looking for a misplaced camper. One who is way old enough to follow rules." He stressed.
"I wasn't lost. Jesus knew where I was." I huffed, irritated with the age quip, and started up the way he had come from.
"Look lady, If you're going to change tour guides in the middle of a trip, you don't get a refund." He retorted coming up the rear. I wanted to box his ear!
When we had gotten within a two mile radius of the campsite,the guide had walkie talkie'ed our estimated time of arrival and told them to be prepared for the worst. I glared at him. He wasn't living up to his potential as a tour guide! If he made another wise crack he wouldn't be living at all. The advance warning gave my ninety nine church friends a chance to prepare an elaborate breakfast for me and heat up a tub of water to soak in, behind a barrier of blankets. As we came into view through the jungle, loud applause and cheering commenced. The lost sheep had been found and brought back to the fold, and my friends made me feel like gold.